Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
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doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
He’s cranky this morning
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana