*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
You Might Also Like
fourth time’s the charm
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Don’t make me out nice you.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing