One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―