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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
he chose this
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me