I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat