I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
You Might Also Like
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man