My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
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Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
kids play hide and seek like
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance