I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.