It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
stand with me against insufficient seating
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.