It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.