Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.