hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
You Might Also Like
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.