[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
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An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs