[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
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modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Coffee is ready.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!