good for her
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.