*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
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Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
reduce, reuse, recycle
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow