Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You Might Also Like
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?