CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
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Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
first you must answer his riddles
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then