I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.