I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Interior design 👌
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Banana is the quietest snack
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.