*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
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Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Growing up was a huge mistake
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks