*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
There are no pants in heaven.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.