“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.