Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
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Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?