All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
You Might Also Like
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails