My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Catercrombie & Fish
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO