Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
You Might Also Like
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Eggs benadryl my favourite
cyclists
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.