It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Well, this certainly took a turn
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.