Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*