[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
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Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
There is wisdom there.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu