My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
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If you love someone, let them tweet.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.