Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.