Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.