tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
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NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H