You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.