i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.