hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
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Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
fair