The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
jesus christ confetti not now
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?