For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”