Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.