To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
No. He’s not coming out to play
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
me when the borders lift
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
no regrets