To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
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GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
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Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…