*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing