I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
You Might Also Like
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My life in a nutshell
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
whatcha thinkin bout
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat