@MarfSalvador Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
@peteholmes “Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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@MarfSalvador 
@crunchenhanced A leaf blower, but for people.
@CamusOverEasy Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
@tastefactory [ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
@TotesFerda The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
@MollyERA “Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
@TheRolo I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
@Fred_Delicious Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
@MikeWTrapp ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
@Gen22 My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.