Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you