Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
grotesque if literal: baby food
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.