please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce