Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow