health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
You Might Also Like
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.