“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.