The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
How all things should be taught/explained.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.