Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
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I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Monday Lisa
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I have two kinds of followers
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.